First it was Livejournal, then it was myspace, and now a blogger? I have no clue why I'm doing this but I really don't care. I need a place to vent my feelings and aggressions instead of keeping them bottled up inside. Its not that I'm pissed at anyone, its just I need a place to vent. I have so many things going on inside my head on a daily basis and nowhere to let them out. Jonathan is stressed out with work and has little tolerance for my complaints. The same with my mom, she doesn't want to hear it either. Gretchen and Steph are busy with their stuff and so are most of my friends. Its like I'm alone, and it bothers me. The person that bothers me the most is Jon.
The reason that Jonathan bothers me is because he is supposed to be someone that is there for me despite what he feels. He's supposed to be my rock, the person I can go to with all my troubles and concerns. Even if he doesn't solve them for me, just having him listen would be great. However, he works long hours, and doesn't want to be on the computer or the phone. So, lots of times I just go to sleep so I don't have to deal with what I am feeling. Getting upset with everything that is going on around me doesn't solve my problems but perpetuates them. I become insecure in things that I shouldn't be insecure with. Its hard. I try to talk about this with Jon, and he understands... But right when I leave and come back to Albany, it goes back to the same. This whole long distance thing sucks and I wish sometimes that he didn't have his good job because since he started working for Roseart he's changed. I love him and know this struggle is definitely worth it but its hard. I'm living in Albany, essentially alone, and I shouldn't feel emotionally alone sometimes too. Its hard.
But then when we are together it is so amazing. The world stops and it is just us. Everything is perfect, wonderful, relaxed, loving...... perfect. I love being in his arms, I feel so safe..... its just this distance freaking sucks.... but only about 6 more months to go...............
