One Year Engaged

So today is December 3rd, and a year ago today Jonathan proposed to me. Last night Jonathan came up after work to take me out for dinner at Fridays, and then spend the night/day with me.... He left around 5:30 today which is later than I thought he was leaving... We had such a wonderful time... Last night at Fridays, I had a Jack Daniel's flat iron steak with potatoes, and it was delicious.. we split a Tuscan Spinach Dip appetizer and I had a Strawberry Daquiri... he didn't drink because he was driving..... Then we went home and we cuddled and watched television all night, went to sleep, woke up and layed in bed all day... around noon we ordered 20.00 worth of chinese food and then cuddled some more watching movies.... it was so nice.... First it was nice to be with him, and second it was nice to be lazy in bed with him and not just myself....

I can't wait for the day when Jon and I can be lazy together in bed on Saturday all the time.... you have no idea. I always get so emotional when he leaves for home or I leave to go to Albany... I don't mean to, its just that in my heart I know that I'm not supposed to leave and that he and I are supposed to be together. I know when he works, he is going to have to go on the road... and honestly, I will be fine with that... I will be fine with it because he will come home to me within no more than a few days to a week and not months like this living arrangement.... One day, or one weekend really sucks... its like you start getting comfortable and used to the person being there, and then BOOOOOOOM.... they/you have to go.... Well, its only five more months before he and I move in together.....I can't wait.

Other than that, this coming week is my last week of student teaching!!! I am super excited. I am nervous however for Saturday... I have my final NYS certification test.... then I get to go home for Christmas break... though on Monday is my gynecologist/doctor appointment... I hate doctors:(.....

Well, I should relax a little.... I have a mystery romance novel that is just screaming my name...
(yeah, I'm a nerd... with a romantic side... So what?:-p)

this past weekend

This past weekend was incredible.... I spent pretty much the whole weekend with Jon and his family.

On Friday I drove home because Jon asked me to come home for the weekend in a very subtle way... so I drove home and I went over his house around six. Usually his stepmother isn't very warm with me. Actually, she's quite cold. But this weekend she was really really nice to me. And Jon told me that it was genuine.. I helped them decorate the house for Christmas before Jon's dad came home from being on the road. It was really nice. Then we had some dinner, and then Jon and I went downstairs.... and around 11pm we started watching Madagascar with his stepmother and her sister.... b ut around 12:20 I started falling asleep so I went home.

Saturday, I spent from 11:30am-12:30am with Jon. He picked me up and we went to Newburgh for his nephew's karate tournament.. then Jon took me to a diner for lunch. After that, we went to Middletown so Jon could get a piece for his phone. He thinks he might get me a new phone for Christmas. (Which is nice and all but I'd rather have a girly gift, lol). Anyways, after that he and I went back to his house. I played some rollercoaster tycoon 3 while he played video games. Then we layed in bed for a long time and it was so nice. We cuddled and told each other memories that we had of each other... some good and some bad. It was really intimate and nice. Then we started watching "Racing Stripes." That really was a good movie, till the digital cable starting screwing up. Then we just layed in bed for a while, watching the Fresh Prince.... around 12:30am he brought me home.

Sunday, I spent the morning with my parents..... around 12:30pm Jon called me telling me he was going to Home Depot.... I needed to use a printer so he said that I could come over but didn't know what time..... so at about 1:30 I called his house because I wanted to go over before my mom's party began. I went over because his dad said to come when I wanted to, so I went. I spent an hour or so doing my project... then Jon and I watched the football game with his dad. Then Jon got in the mood to play madden... so I played on his computer for a while. After that, I gave him a back scratch/massage.... then we cuddled a little bit and then it was time for dinner. We had lots and lots of wings... it was good. Then Jon left the room to use the bathroom or something and I sat and talked with his stepmother and her sister for a while.... it was really nice..... Then it was time for me to go because I had to drive back up to Albany... so here I am, in Albany.

However, tomorrow after teaching and class, I'm driving back to Port for Thanksgiving break... I can't wait... even though I have do to an entire portfolio, child profile, and 2 PowerPoints...:-p But its ok, I'm bringin home the computer and hopefully I'll find the disk for my printer......Goodnight

I hate when its time for him to leave

Jonathan just left about twenty minutes ago and like usual, I cried. He came up around 8pm and stayed till 9:40. I recorded a tape of his show for him since he didn't have cable yesterday. Well he came up here and we just layed together for what seemed like only five minutes. My time with him always go by so fast. He thinks its cute that I get upset, and he reminds me that I will get to spend the rest of my life with him. But right now it is so hard to look for forever when I need something now. I suppose it could be construed as selfish on my part, butt in the whole picture I'm really not that selfish. I just wish I got to see him more. I know I only have about 6 months to go of this whole long distance relationship garbage, but I bet it will be the loooooongest six months. I know that it is hard for him to balance his life because he works so hard and long. I know he never gets to see his friends too. And it makes me sad that he has to be so grown up while all his friends get to still have fun. I even guess in a way I model my behaviors so that I experience what he experiences. I think a major reason why I've forced myself to grow up and be responsible before I really REALLY had to was due to that conversation he and I had in July. Where he explained how I didn't understand what it was like to have real responsibilities and that we were growing apart because our lives were so different. I guess a part of me is still scared that he feels this way. He told me that he didn't feel this way when he said it, he just had a lot of regrets and stress in his life that had nothing to do with me, but he felt that he could take it out on me and I would understand. Well, I do understand, and its ok, but it doesn't mean that I'm not a little messed up from it now... because I really am. Slowly, I'm getting better. I made a comment today which was really messed up. I said to him, "I mean, they get you for a whole weekend again, and I don't........" This is in reference to his convention in NP this weekend. He is going to hang out with his friends, which is fine, but I don't get to be with him..... again. I just wish that I could have a weekend with him, that he and I could just relax and be lazy together.... is that really a lot to ask?

Why am I doing this?

First it was Livejournal, then it was myspace, and now a blogger? I have no clue why I'm doing this but I really don't care. I need a place to vent my feelings and aggressions instead of keeping them bottled up inside. Its not that I'm pissed at anyone, its just I need a place to vent. I have so many things going on inside my head on a daily basis and nowhere to let them out. Jonathan is stressed out with work and has little tolerance for my complaints. The same with my mom, she doesn't want to hear it either. Gretchen and Steph are busy with their stuff and so are most of my friends. Its like I'm alone, and it bothers me. The person that bothers me the most is Jon.
The reason that Jonathan bothers me is because he is supposed to be someone that is there for me despite what he feels. He's supposed to be my rock, the person I can go to with all my troubles and concerns. Even if he doesn't solve them for me, just having him listen would be great. However, he works long hours, and doesn't want to be on the computer or the phone. So, lots of times I just go to sleep so I don't have to deal with what I am feeling. Getting upset with everything that is going on around me doesn't solve my problems but perpetuates them. I become insecure in things that I shouldn't be insecure with. Its hard. I try to talk about this with Jon, and he understands... But right when I leave and come back to Albany, it goes back to the same. This whole long distance thing sucks and I wish sometimes that he didn't have his good job because since he started working for Roseart he's changed. I love him and know this struggle is definitely worth it but its hard. I'm living in Albany, essentially alone, and I shouldn't feel emotionally alone sometimes too. Its hard.
But then when we are together it is so amazing. The world stops and it is just us. Everything is perfect, wonderful, relaxed, loving...... perfect. I love being in his arms, I feel so safe..... its just this distance freaking sucks.... but only about 6 more months to go...............