I have really been battling with myself lately in terms of weight loss and exercise. How on earth do people work all day and then go work out regularly. I'm trying, I really am but all I want to do at the end of the day is go HOME. I wrote something to help Dana with a class last night that made me put into perspective how long this battle has been going on. The battle to achieve the ideal body or at least a better weight. In college I used to have mandatory workouts. And during these workouts, I struggled. There have been many times that I felt not up to par especially during mandatory weight training, cardio, and workout sessions. Our circuits contained numerous types of exercise to target specialized areas of the body. We did dead lifts, squats w/the bar (additional weights on as well), bicep curls, triceps, abdominals, among many other exercises. We were also responsible for an hour of cardio whether it was treadmill, elliptical, stationary bike, running outside, shuttle runs, and the all time favorite mile run. You see, it was mandatory for us to run a mile in 7 minutes or less as a pitcher, middle infielder, or outfielder. Catchers and corner fielders had 7 and half minutes to run the mile. If the mile was not run in your time, you had to redo the mile. You had to keep running the mile every day until you made your time. Not only did I have the fact I have short strides due to my height but I also carried a little more weight. So it took me quite a few times to get the mile in 7 minutes or less. Also, we had to do shuttle runs. We were required to run a 150 yard shuttle in 30 seconds as well as a 300 yard shuttle in 65 seconds. Once would have been not too bad but we had to run it three times in the same day. Each selected yard amount had its own day. We had to make two of the three times on that day. If you failed, you had to do it again the next day. Being out of breath and feeling “fat” was a big part of this experience.
Going to the gym and seeing rail thin girls running on the treadmills deflated any positive motivation I had going for me while beginning my session. What made it worse was overhearing conversations between these girls about how “fat” they were despite “not eating” anything but lettuce and water all week. While it made me infuriated because these girls did not see that they were already at a goal that I know is unattainable for myself, I was saddened because it is scary how “blind” women are today and mainstreamed due to the constant bludgeon of the media. Media portrayal of “perfect bodies” and the like are completely skewed and women like me, who are curvy, are given ideals that we cannot attain because it is not in our genetic makeup to have. Daily workouts that consisted of circuit weight training as well as an hour of cardio daily still didn’t give me that “perfect, ideal body.” It was frustrating to wake up at 5:30 am for a 6 am workout that went nowhere. The only time that I lost weight and looked even close to the “ideal” was when the strenuous workouts and stress caused me to get sick after practice. I lost about 25 lbs and looked amazing. For my body type and height, I was within 10 lbs of the ideal weight for my structure. Finally, I was happy with my looks and my body but scared as well. I knew that I lost it in an unhealthy way and that I would not be able to keep it up. This was a vicious battle that I struggled with throughout college and now in my early adulthood. Hopefully, I will overcome this beast some day as well as future generations of women.
I've also been pretty grouchy lately. I don't know if its lack of sleep or what. I don't know how to explain it without sounding whiny. Sometimes I feel like my voice doesn't count or matter and that bothers me. Anyways, it is Thursday, I'm tired, and I do believe that naptime Thursday is going to happen for the second week in a row.
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